Evanston's Real Storm Story

By Victoria Scott and Mary Helt Gavin

It was a field day for scavengers. As the work week began Monday, Aug. 27, Evanston's alleys were piled high with pillows, mattresses, couches, upholstered chairs, waterlogged carpets and other soggy treasures jettisoned after a violent thunderstorm blew across northern Illinois on Thursday afternoon, Aug. 23. Dumping 2.74 inches of rain in nearby West Rogers Park, the storm also left many Evanston residents without electrical power for hours or even days.

Everyone at the Civic Center headed for the basement for safety reasons, as Max Rubin, director of emergency management for the City, ordered the warning sirens.

"A call from the 911 center notified us that a possible tornado was going to touch down in Rogers Park. Since that was within 10 miles of Evanston, I had the sirens sound."

But some - including residents of hardest-hit northwest Evanston - heard only the sound of silence before the storm hit. "The siren at the police station failed. And there is no siren at the Fire Station #5 location," said Mr. Rubin.

In the wake of the storm there were reports of 51 trees down plus 111 fallen limbs, and it took 5 days to restore all of the 6,070 power outages in Evanston.

In Evanston, Mr. Rubin said, there were 6,070 outages - "most in the Central Street area with some on the south side of the City and a cluster around Emerson." Power was restored to everyone in Evanston by 8 p.m. on Aug. 28, he added.

Mr. Rubin said he thought Commonwealth Edison handled the storm outages "pretty well, except for their inability to give customers a time to expect service. They had 660,000 customers without power - the biggest outage they've ever had to deal with." Mr. Rubin praised City crews for their work in getting the streets cleared, which allowed access to the streets for the crews ComEd had called in from other states. "The streets were cleaned within 24 hours," he said, paving the way for these crews. "This shows the City can pull it together when we have an emergency," he said.

Trees
Under normal circumstances Paul D'Agostino, superintendent of Parks/ Forestry, is charged with nurturing the trees Evanston holds dear. Last week, for the second time in a decade, he found himself putting many of the City's most venerable trees to rest.

By 3 p.m. Monday, Aug. 27, four days after the storm, the department had responded to calls reporting 51 trees down, 12 split so badly they had to be removed, 111 single or multiple limbs fallen and 24 limbs hanging and hazardous.

Elms, oaks, maples, ash - all kinds of trees fell. "The storm wasn't picky," says Mr. D'Agostino.

Despite winds he estimates at 75-80 miles per hour, this storm takes a back seat to the spring storm of 2000, whose winds "lasted longer and caused more damage," says Mr. D'Agostino.

Still, destruction was great enough, he says, that crews worked overtime for days to keep up. Two crews - eight men in total - started the cleanup at 5 p.m. Thursday, shortly after the winds abated. Later that night, says Mr. D'Agostino, another crew joined them, with everyone working till 1 a.m. Three or four crews put in 12 hours on Friday; three worked nine hours Saturday; and four full crews labored for 12 hours Monday.

They worked Thursday night and Friday morning to remove a tree that landed on two houses near the intersection of Reese Avenue and Park Place.

"We're making definite progress," says Mr. D'Agostino. Workers are "grinding as much [of the wood] as they can," he comments. The largest trunks will be split to make firewood, except for ash and elm trees, which risk in-fecting others with the emerald ash borer or Dutch elm disease. Much of the wood will be turned into mulch
for parks or gardens, he says.

Businesses
Power outages were scattered throughout the City. Traffic that was not halted by standing water was slowed as traffic lights blinked red only, transforming most major intersections into four-way stops. And around town, stores hustled to provide customers with the emergency equipment they needed.

Lemoi Ace Hardware on Davis Street "came close to running out of pumps, shop vacs, wet/dry vacs and flashlights" but arranged a special pick-up of these things Saturday morning, said employee Scott Evans. Customers began calling as early as 6 a.m., although the store does not open till 8 a.m.

On the harder-hit north end of town, Harold's Hardware "ran out of everything water-related - extension cords, flashlights, cleaning supplies, batteries - by the end of Saturday," said Dan Cawley, the store's owner. Nevertheless, he said, "Everybody was in good spirits. Nothing seemed disastrous."

The Jewel grocery store on Chicago Avenue said their power did not falter, but "lots of people came in to get ice." At the Asbury Avenue CVS drugstore, on the other hand, lights blinked on and off, the security alarm sounded, the computer alarm needed resetting and the system was slow, and "it seemed like the power could go off at any moment," said employee Dean Martinez.

Aftermath
Mr. Rubin said the City would look into reasons for the failure of the siren at the police station. The Parks/ Forestry Department, having dealt with the most inconvenient and dangerous situations on streets and parkways, plans to move on to City parks and the grounds of District 65 schools. Their goal is to have schoolyards cleared in time for the first day of school, said Mr. D'Agostino.

In the neighborhoods, power-sharing began early Friday morning, as those with electricity extended a lifeline to silent refrigerators and sump-pumps nearby.

The orange extension cords that crisscrossed yards and streets marked a power grid all their own.

Now, the crisis over, these cords sit snug on shelves in hopes that their next use will be to light up the holidays.
- David Unger also contributed to this article.

Special Pick-Up of Medium and Large Branches Downed by Storm

Because of the high winds that blew down trees and branches during the Aug. 23 storms, City of Evanston Parks/Forestry crews will make a special trip throughout the City to remove medium and large branches that are placed on parkways.

It is expected that the crews will complete their rounds by Friday, Sept. 14.

Small branches and twigs can be placed in yard waste containers or yard waste bags, which will be removed on residents' usual pick-up day. For more information, call 847-866-2912.

Free Special Pickups for Flood-Damaged Materials

To dispose of flood-damaged materials, the City's Streets and Sanitation Division will offer free special pickups through Sept. 7 only.

Residents must call 847-866-2940 to arrange the pickup and describe the debris when they call.

Storm damage? Report Uninsured Losses ASAP

City of Evanston officials are requesting damage reports from community members who experienced property losses not covered by their insurance as a result of last week's storm.

Residents and property owners with uninsured losses should contact the City Manager's Office of Emergency Preparedness, ema@cityofevanston.org or 847-448-8180, by Sept. 6.

Household or business damages reported must include
the following information:
• Address of the property
• Whether it is a business or residence
• Whether it is owned or rented
• Degree of damage
• Height of the water inside the structure

Household damage assessments must also identify:
• Whether the residence is primary or secondary
• The type of structure, such as single- or multi-family

The Cook County Emergency Management Agency is gathering this information from affected municipalities and will provide it to the State of Illinois with an estimate of the damage.

Low-Interest Loans Available for Storm Victims

The Illinois State Treasurer has announced that low-interest loans are now available to storm victims. Under the Opportunity Illinois Disaster Loan program, the Treasurer's Office provides low-interest bridge loans to victims whose property has sustained weather-related damage. The loans are available to residents living in declared disaster areas who are waiting for insurance settlements or other aid programs to take effect.

To receive the low interest rate, residents must secure the loan at a bank or financial institution that participates in the state's linked-deposit program. They may secure a loan up to the damage amount.

The Opportunity Illinois loan application must be filed by the bank on the resident's behalf within 90 days of a local, state or federal officials' natural-disaster declaration.

For more information on locating participating financial institutions and the application process, visit the State Treasurer's website, www.treasurer.il.gov/PR23Aug2007.htm or call the office at 312-814-1700 or email opportunityillinois@treasurer.state.il.us.

Eye On Evanston

More Good News

by John Macsai

Several good things have happened or are happening in Evanston that improve our visual environment. Let me share them with you.

As you drive down Green Bay Road, just north of downtown where McCormick Boulevard and Ashland Avenue almost meet, look west. You will see, growing out of the grass, two stainless-steel opposing arches more than 10 feet tall. This sculpture, "Silver Wings," is the work of the late Ferdinand Rebechini, donated to the City by Duke Realty and the Rebechini family. The site - the northeastern end of Ladd Arboretum - was selected and the approval process for it guided by the City's Public Art Committee, whose members gave of their time and enthusiasm unstintingly.

Another piece of good news is the recent replacement of the rusting CTA bridges at both Main and Church streets, two important east-west Evanston arteries. The handsome new bridges span from embankment to embankment, eliminating the awkward-looking, traffic-hindering central supports. The embankments are handled handsomely, with textured face-brick at Main Street and stepped concrete at Church Street. The load of the bridge is transferred elegantly along the top edge of the embankment. In addition, the sidewalks along this area on Church Street have been created from designs created by David Cisko, a Chicago artist. These designs are also the result of the work of the Public Art Committee.

It is unfortunate that the west façade of the 900 Chicago Ave. apartment building is an eyesore, unfinished and ugly on the ground floor that faces the embankment. Add to it the nearby gas piping and gas meter as well as the big bracing tube over the Main Street garage entrance and one wonders what builder could have been so uncaring. How could the City of Evanston allow this to happen? Please, take the developer or the condo association to court to rectify this mess.

More good news is the two handsome old façades being restored close to their original condition. The first façade is the arched openings just south of the Library Plaza's main entrance, also arched, at 1637 Orrington Ave. The second is the stone façade just south of Cottage Jewelers, at the southeast corner of Dempster Street and Chicago Avenue. This façade, previously covered by signage, is also being restored.

Also deserving of praise is the proposed Fire Station No. 5, on west Central Street, by Muller & Muller, Architects. It will consist of three elements: In the center will be the glass-enclosed apparatus bay with three doors to the street and one to the rear alley, so no engine needs to back in from the street. On both sides of this center element are simple red brick spaces, the lower of which will contain utility spaces. The two-story element on the opposite side will house the dayroom and the kitchen/sleeping facilities and bathrooms, constructed with equal access for male and female fire fighters. The building is a simple concept, very well done. It will replace the existing fire station and should be completed in just over a year.

Another handsome architectural solution that has been complete for a while is the field house in Mason Park by architect Elliott Dudnik. It is a remodeling in which the simple, symmetrical red brick volume hides the old building. It is enriched by the semi-circular pergola, using round concrete columns and wood trellises above.

A beautiful sculpture in open setting, well-done CTA bridges, restored old store façades, a well-designed fire station and an attractive field house - all very good news to share.

Ask EcoGal

Healthy, Eco-Friendly Lunches

By Mayre Press

After Labor Day weekend, nearly all children return to school; some started back in August. Though school lunches have improved, many families prefer to provide their children with homemade lunches. Responding to consumer demands, the food industry has taken small steps toward offering healthier lunch and snack options.

Unfortunately, many of these products are packaged in single-use containers that either cannot be recycled or are not easily recycled in some communities. Juice boxes (aseptic packaging), while convenient, fall into that category. One alternative is to fill stainless steel or plastic containers, which are available in sizes comparable to a juice-box serving (6.75 oz.).

Fruit juices that come in 64-ounce bottles or larger can be poured into a smaller reusable container. Parents need to read the labels before buying foods or beverages.  For instance, a label that reads, "No sugar added," does not mean the product has no sugar.  Parents should look for the brand with the lowest sugar content-ditto for fat.

Being green involves resisting the temptation to buy pre-packaged single servings of snacks such as crackers, cookies, flavored gelatin and applesauce and substituting reusable containers that hold kid-sized portions (4 to 8 ounces). Filling these with items bought in larger containers not only will save money, but will also omit much unnecessary packaging. Better yet is to reuse a clean, empty yogurt or other container and lid for bite-sized cookies, dried fruit, trail mix or other nutritious snacks. Celery and carrot sticks or apple slices can be packed in containers or wrapped in foil, with yogurt or peanut butter for dipping in a separate container.

Sandwiches have come a long way from the p-b-j many grownups recall. Today's lunches don't require bread: Pitas, wraps, mini pizzas and other creations take the place of traditional sandwiches. Bite-sized pieces of low-fat cheese and sliced turkey can be filling without the bread. Homemade chicken or tuna salad can be spread on whole-wheat crackers. Another reuse tip is to save the wooden sticks, washed and air-dried, from frozen treats for kids to use as spreaders. They have no sharp points and, if lost or trashed, can be easily replaced.

Turn lunch-making into a family event. Even young children can help assemble ingredients and fill containers. Be creative, and let your children participate in the selection process. They're more likely to eat foods they help choose. To persuade teens to bring lunch from home rather than eat at nearby fast-food restaurants, tell them the money saved can go toward clothing, games, music or other valued items.

The backpack is today's standard transport.  To avoid smashed, broken or leaky foods, pack individual containers in a soft-sided bag or box. Stay clear of metal lunch boxes, as lead-based paint is a potential hazard.

Colorful canvas or nylon bags are available at grocery, department or drug stores, as well as online. Many lunch bags are insulated to keep foods cool and have mesh sleeves to hold bottles and pockets for utensils.

Involving children in the process and following the above suggestions should result in healthy lunches that are good for children-and the environment.

Contact Eco Gal at info@evanstonroundtable.com or ecogal247@yahoo.com

Trees Around Evanston

Introducing the Catalpas (Bignoniaceae)

By Libby Hill

Young catalpa seed pods resemble green beans.  Mature pods look like skinny, brown cigars and contain fringed seeds.  The pruner, at right, is for scale.

When I began researching this column, I knew almost nothing about catalpas except that they were deciduous, with enormous, bright green heart-shaped leaves that somehow seemed out of place among the duller greens of their neighbors. I had assumed they were exotic trees from another continent.

Other than learning there are two native species of catalpa in our area, speciosa (northern or western), and bignonioides (southern or eastern), both belonging to the family Bignoniaceae or trumpet creeper, I found consistent information elusive. Swink and Wilhelm, in "Plants of the Chicago Region," had a similar experience: "The taxonomy of Chicago region catalpas can be frustrating if one uses more than one literature source."  Giving up, they defaulted to describing onlythe northern catalpa, for the practical reason that local authorities use that name.

Authorities agree that the northern catalpa is taller and skinnier and blooms two weeks earlier than the shorter, more rounded southern, if growing in the same locale. A northern catalpa in Michigan is 107 feet tall with an 85-foot spread. Southern catalpas average out at 40 feet tall and wide and may have a shorter life span.

The original range of the northern catalpa was along the southern Mississippi River valley north to the southern quarter of Illinois. The southern catalpa was probably native to the Gulf coast states of Florida, Alabama, Missouri and Louisiana, but information is inconclusive.  The original habitat of both was along bottomlands and streams.

In late May, when I expected blossoms, I began searching out catalpa specimens.  The tree on the corner of Davis and Asbury was said to be in flower the first weekend in June, while I was away. Upon my return, I rushed over to that corner - no blossoms.  A young tree a few blocks from my house still had a few flowers, but they were too high for inspection. 

Then on July 2, while I was driving along Sheridan Road to Ravinia, my attention was distracted by a stately, unusually well-rounded specimen in full bloom. 

I returned the following day for photographs and discovered another catalpa, tall and skinny, not ten feet away but with nary a bloom.  Brown, skinny, cigar-shaped seed pods, resembling long vanilla beans and probably from last year, dangled from its branches and littered the ground.  When I held one, it broke into three elongated parts, revealing fringed seeds lying like peas in a pod.  It is obvious that wind plays a part in their dispersal.

One authority attributes the genus name Catalpa to Muskogean (Creek) for "head and wings," probably describing the seed.  Another says Catalpa is a corruption of Catawba, the name given to the tree by the Cherokee tribe (Iroquian).

Yet another claims that catalpa is the name by which the South Carolina Catawba tribe (Souian) knew the tree, having discovered one of its many "medicinal" properties by smoking the bean pods for their hallucinogenic benefits.  The names Indian Cigar tree, Indian Bean and Smoking  Bean are said to be the result. Curiously, Michael Dirrs "Manual of Woody Plants" applies these names only to the southern catalpa, while most sources apply them to both.

As for the family name Bignoniacea, as a librarian I was delighted to learn that it honors the distinguished Abbe Jean Paul Bignon, the Royal librarian at the Bibliotheque Nationale de France from 1718-1741 and president of Frances Academy of Sciences.

Back at the flowering tree, some of the flowers, which have brief lives, had already dried up.  The young seed pods resembling green beans were already growing. They will dry on the tree and split apart in late winter. 

The primarily white flowers resemble extra-fancy foxgloves with frilly edges.  Speciosa, the species name for the northern catalpa, means "showy," an appropriate moniker.

Blossoms average two inches long and hang in clusters. Each flower has a substantial landing pad for insects.  The pad has bright yellow bands on the lip and rows of tiny magenta and yellow dots that entice insects to the nectar and interior reproductive organs. To my disappointment, no flower gave off the promised sweet perfume said to be so fetching to bees, the primary catalpa pollinators.

The floppy leaves, 6-12 inches in length and width and growing on long stems, are sometimes dubbed elephant ears.  They grow opposite each other on the branch or, when young, grow in whorls around the branch.  Catalpas leaf out late in spring and lose their leaves in early fall.  

The bark of mature trees is thick and sometimes scaly, but young bark is thin and easily girdled by rabbits.  The good news is that the tree is supposedly deer-resistant. Catalpas can tolerate urban pollution and soil conditions ranging from light and sandy to heavy clay.  This short-lived tree is fast-growing when young and begins to flower at around seven years old.

Catalpas extensive root system has made it useful for plantings on easily erodable slopes and in reclamation of strip-mined land. Catalpa wood is extremely durable. Because it can lie in wet ground for many years and not rot, it has been used for fence posts and utility poles.

In the 1930s rail companies grew plantations of catalpas for railway ties. Other uses for this lightweight wood include furniture, cabinets, interior trim and musical instruments. Seeds, bark, leaves and pods have all been used medicinally. Contemporary research shows catalpas have diuretic properties.

One fascinating use for both catalpas comes from their being the only host plant to the catalpa sphinx moth caterpillar (Ceratomia catalpae). Females lay eggs on the undersides of leaves. The caterpillars hatch and devour the leaves.  These "worms" are prized by fisherman, who use them immediately or freeze them for later. Catalpas are sometimes planted for just this purpose, and one common name for the southern catalpa is fish-bait tree.

Catalpas brittle wood makes the trees canopy susceptible to damage from ice and wind storms. Evanston is reluctant to plant it on parkways but may do so in the future.  A typical skinny northern catalpa specimen grows downtown between the library and the Womens Club, just east of the alley.

YOUNG EVANSTON

Getting Ready for the Block Party.

These children wheeled up and down Pioneer Road last weekend as their parents set up saw-horses to keep out traffic and brought tables, chairs and grills curbside for an end-of-the-summer get-together. Block parties are held all over the City as a way for neighbors to get to know each other

 

Back-to-School

Picnic at Twiggs Park.

Family Focus held a picnic on Sept. 1 that combined the sweetness of the end of summer with the excitement of the beginning of school.
  
While some of the adults grilled hot dogs and hamburgers, Tiffany Jackson (left top photo), JoAnn Avery (center) and Teresa Jackson (right) handed out kits containing school supplies to children who attended the picnic.
  
Teresa Jackson is the founder of "Candy on Wheels," an organization that sells candy and then, as she says, "gives back to the community" by helping with back-to-school supplies. Ms. Avery, who works at Family Focus, said they had prepared 100 kits to help kids get a great start in the school year.

Kids of all ages attended the picnic to say good-bye to the summer and hello to the new school year.

Teens Receive SYEP Awards

Teens recognized at the end-of-summer ceremonies included winners of the Supervisor's Choice Awards: Bryant Brown, Martrelle Davis, Fabiola D'haiti, Samuel Dumas, Andre Epps, De'Vante Hearnes, Ticia Jefferson, Joseph K. Larry, Dontae Southall and Ray Spence.

Winners in this category were nominated by their supervisors for the respect the teens showed to co-workers, supervisors and citizens; the amount of pride they took in their work performance; their contributions to the improvement of the City or the department for which they worked; their ability to serve as role models for other participants; good attendance and preparedness; and their demonstration of appropriate behaviors and attitudes.

Kanapali Blackwood, Jason Chukwu, Gerald Daye, Ariana Dennisen and Jayde Johnson received Turn Around Awards for their improved attitude and performance from the beginning of the summer until the end.

Leadership Awards were presented to Kanapali Blackwood, Keith Coburn, Demarcus Curtis, Elias Henry, Fanicia Howard, Donnell Knighten Jr.,
Joseph K. Larry, Jessica Payne, Yne'k Robinson and Dontae Southall.

These teens demonstrated positive behaviors and attitudes. They were commended for their ability to work with all of the team members.

Perfect Attendance Awards went to Fanicia Howard and Melvin
McCoullough. Kaylin Belcher, Ebony Brown, Darrius Crawford, Fabiola D'haiti, Richard Donaldson, Ricardo Franco, Shaquill Green, Latoya Jones, Crystal McCoy, Iesha Reneau and Marc Silencieux received Spirit Awards because they smiled through tough times and helped to create camaraderie amongst the troops.

BOOK REVIEW

"Stormy Weather"

A Book Review By Sue Brooke

The novel "Stormy Weather" by Paulette Jiles is so good the reader does not want it to end. It is set during the Depression in the drought and dust bowl of East Texas. Jeanine, the middle of three daughters, is clearly her father's favorite.

He takes her with him as he follows oil strikes and horse races, telling Jeanine there is big money to be made in the oil fields. If so, he does not bring it home, usually either drinking or gambling it away. But Jeanine loves him, and when he asks her to cover for him when he gambles and cheats on her mother, she always does.

He dies when Jeanine is 15, leaving the family with rent due on their shanty they call home and no money to draw upon. Jeanine's mother, Elizabeth, sees no choice but to pack up the family and move them back to her long-abandoned childhood farm.

The house is in bad need of repairs; taxes are past due; and the fields are barren and dry. But when it becomes their home, Jeanine is determined to keep it. Her older sister Mayme - still young and pretty - goes in search of work. But no one will hire a woman when so many men are unemployed. Finally Mayme finds work at a dairy, and for a time the family's only income is the $10 a week she brings home. Jeanine, for her part, vows to get the farm up and running again.

The four women live alone on the farm, each holding on to a different dream. The mother, who dreams of striking it rich on a wildcat oil rig, spends some of the family's last money on a well. Mayme dreams of getting married and having pretty clothes. Bea, the youngest sister, dreams of being a writer and selling even one story to help with the family finances. Jeanine just wants the farm to be home again.

In the heart of the Depression, all the characters have is family. As the author writes, "Droughts come and stay for seven years, and in those seven years the weak are driven away; mistakes and miscalculations grow into catastrophes, there is no margin for error. Drought is a lack of something, a vacuum, an empty place in danger of implosion."

Implosion is always dancing at the edge of this story of Jeanine and her family.

FILM REVIEW

"Death Sentence "

A Film Review By Joe Linstroth

"Death Sentence," starring Kevin Bacon, is an atrocious movie with an equally bad title that all but begs for a reviewer's obvious pun to sum it up.

Nick Hume (Kevin Bacon) has a perfectly generic life. He has two teenage boys, one of whom is a hockey star, a beautiful wife, and a library of home videos showing how much they love each other. He is a regular joe who drives a Ford sedan everyday to an office building on Main Street. He's proud of his athletic son, and to show-off, he wears a letter-jacket with "Dad" embroidered on the front.

But Nick's luck runs out when his favorite boy is murdered by a gang of thugs at the only gas station in the city without a surveillance system.

Nick identifies one of the punks in a lineup, but, with only one eye-witness, prosecutors cannot guarantee more than a five-year prison sentence. When the kid smirks across the courtroom at him, that's it. It is time to take the law into his own hands.

With "Death Sentence," director James Wan ("Saw") confirms that he has the subtle touch of a blacksmith. His merry band of thugs is so conspicuous, even Hazzard County Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane would know they were up to no good.

Led by the chain-smoking Billy Darley (Garrett Hedlund), they sport facial tattoos and leather trench coats and drive around town in menacing cars with tinted windows and flames on the hoods. They hang out at places like Bones Body Shop and the chapel of an abandoned hospital, complete with crosses, and bathed in an ominous red glow coming from somewhere beyond the window (perhaps there is a Pizza Hut next door).

Mr. Wan makes a half-hearted attempt to address real issues such as the unfair justice system and the disintegration of a law-abiding and loving father into a cold-blooded murderer. Rather than explore these themes intelligently, however, Mr. Wan dubs an Enya-like soundtrack over the weeping and the angst, fuelling the movie with emotional fast food in order to get to the next violent scene.

It is difficult to rate Mr. Bacon's performance, not only because he fails to show his naked bum in this one, but because his supporting cast is so laughably terrible. Kelly Preston plays a mother who actually lies in bed and tries to get some sleep the night her son dies. John Goodman has a pointless cameo as a crazed gun dealer, and Aisha Tyler (TV's "24" and "CSI"), who plays the investigating detective, looks more like an audience volunteer at an improv show than a trained actress.

At nearly two hours in length, "Death Sentence" borders on cruel and unusual punishment.

Runs 1 hr. 50 min. Rated R for language and brutal violence.

FILM REVIEW

"War"

A Film Review By Brian Murphy

If it was Nov. 22, 1963, and Lee Harvey Oswald was my best friend, and he called to tell me he was thinking about hiding in the local cinema for a while to elude the police, and the only film screening was "War," I would have advised him to forget it.

"You're better off turning yourself in, Lee," I would have said.

Growing up in the 80s, I saw some terrible action flicks starring such meatheads as Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme. I loved these movies at the time, but upon re-viewing them many years down the road, I realized how terrible the bulk of them actually were. Well, no passage of time is necessary to draw a definitive conclusion about "War." This film is discernable as being that bad now.

"War" pits FBI agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham of "The Transporter" films) against an assassin known as Rogue (Jet Li of "Unleashed," "Hero"). Jack and his partner, Tom (Terry Chen), are trying to clean the streets of San Francisco's Chinatown from feuding Yakuza and Triad gangs.

During a shootout, Tom manages to wound the phantom-like Rogue and leave him for dead in the murky waters of a harbor.

Fast forward to some time later, and Tom and his family are murdered at their house. Jack, looking intently over the scene after the bumbling police have had their chance, somehow finds a bullet that the police have missed. He realizes the special bullet belongs to Rogue, and he vows revenge.

Buddy-cop films usually attempt to develop a rapport and a palpable bond between the two heroes. Not this film. Jack and Tom barely share any screen time together before Tom is killed. Granted, the two share a shootout scene and Tom lets Jack know that smoking is bad during the opening credits, but that is as far as it goes.

The script does a poor job of validating the instantaneous transition from Jack the loving family man to Jack the divorced husband, deadbeat father and hell-bent revenge seeker. In fact, Mr. Statham's acting is so wooden that, while his actions and words describe (poorly) his intentions, the boredom in his eyes expresses a man sleepwalking to his next action scene.

Worst of all are the miserable action scenes. Audiences more sophisticated by decades of shoot ‘em-up films have come to expect more than random gunplay, non-choreographed fighting scenes and poorly edited car chases.

Jason Statham performs best when witty dialogue is fed to him, such as in Guy Ritchie's "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels." Having nothing witty to say, he is forced to walk around with a dour look on his face in between bouts of shooting at something.

Jet Li, on the other hand, should return to his roots - martial arts films. Mr. Li has proclaimed that he will no longer do martial arts films, so instead he now does bad action films in which he merely performs martial arts while occasionally firing a gun.

The film does strike a mild moral note by allowing us to empathize with the assassin Rogue. However, when the SFPD utter lines of dialogue such as, "They come to America. You'd think they'd learn to speak American," it is easy to see why.

Director Phillip G. Atwell, a former music video director, probably thought his audience would be socked by a twist ending. Well, the conclusion is so ridiculous it will probably leave most laughing instead.Too bad "War" is not a comedy.

Rated R for sequences of strong bloody violence, sexuality/nudity and language.